I Don’t Know What To Say . . .


Hey guys, Andrew here. Nothing exciting about that, but oh well, some sort of intro is required to get things started.

Lot’s of things have been happening inside myself, like I’ve been emotionally troubled with a lot of things lately, otherwise not a lot of things have happened in my life, but I’m enjoying life to the fullest right now. This post is a dedication to those trouble-hearts out there who are right now struggling in their life with their own problems, and I’m here to say how I used to be in that depressing ordeal and how I’m out of that situation and I’m happy about it! So prepare yourself, reader. This is going to be a little more longer of a post than usual.

So to start how my life was in the past, it was bullshit and depressing. I lived in a culture were things were supposed to work this way and then I lived in another part of the world where it worked the opposite way, and I could not easily just go through it. So I went through the, what I call, Pure-Pressure stage in my life. When I was very young, I was introduced to pornography. I would say around the age of 9 or 10. At first I was very shocked by it, but then, as I lived in a part of the world where that was normal, I was shown pornography many times which resulted in addiction and other messy things. That was stage one of my life.

After awhile, then, I was not, as they called it ‘cool’. Even nowadays I look at myself in videos the past few years ago and I thought I was ridiculously annoying and weird. So then I started go into stage two of my Pure Pressure procedure. I tried to act cool and be more like other people. I somehow succeeded in my neighborhood, with my neighbors who most of them now are my dear friends, but I also failed in attempt of most areas of my life: in church, some parts of my neighborhood, parents, siblings, other friends, and also in my blog. Now this blog contains many posts, all the way from where I was 10. If you look deep and far back into my blog, maybe around 2011 or 2010, you’ll find that there is a very different mood and attitude in my writing then right now. I had many attempts to try to act cool and many of those attempts were some that I regret and I’ve chosen to forgot. Plus, I didn’t know half of what I was doing back then.

I was blogging with people older than me, especially with other cultures! Most of my blog’s popularity was based on the Indonesian cultural bloggers that visited my blog a lot after just one nice comment on their blog’s posts. I remember the excitement of finding a “new” comment from someone new on my blog. I still do find that excitement. It makes me feel like my blog was being introduced to new people. I still have a staggering amount of 32 subscribers to this blog, which I am really proud of, seeing as most of those subscribers are really awesome! But let’s not get too distracted, what I was saying about my attempts in my life about trying to be cool were mostly failed attempts as I have told you already. Back a year or two ago, I got into this big dispute between a lot of people because I asked an old friend of mine that I was blogging with for his phone number. After that happened, a few of my friends turned their backs on me, and thought of me preposterous for doing that sort of action. My old friend, himself, began to think I was pedophile and distanced himself farther away from me, still to this day, I don’t know what he’s doing in his life. What really hurt me though was the fact that one of my best friends in my blogging community (I know, I know; you think it’s crazy to have a best friend over the internet) turned his back on me as well and was also angry at me for doing this. After awhile some of my blogging community friends were gone and I was stuck with my Indonesian cultural bloggers. But then my best friend eventually came back and I explained to him the whole ordeal about how I just wanted to contact him and I didn’t mean for it to go this way. See, I was not very much experienced in the internet world then. He forgave me, and also apologized for his anger toward me. I don’t see him very much now, I think he has given up blogging in his life, but we still contact each other once in awhile. 🙂

Afterwards, other problems and situations went down. I’ll give you one more. I posted on my blog, and lied about killing a man. I know, finally I have confessed the truth. I was young, and I think I need to put this lie behind me. I did NOT kill a man or human being. Back then, the thought of killing a man for self-defense was very cool, seeing as I was watching a lot of action-pack movies. So anyway, I lied about killing a man on one of my blog’s posts. An immediate surge of energy of confusion and shock and emotions ran through the whole community. I was even called many wrong things and I desperately needed to ask some of my friends from my school for back-up. There was a lot of confusion. Eventually the situation and topic wore down and it was forgotten. But now it’s forgotten, and I would like to set the record straight. I did NOT, repeat, NOT kill a man.

That seemed all that happened in my blogging atmosphere. Now I was going into middle school, in church and in my school life. I did not really understand well the life of a middle schooler and how it worked. So I was taken by the current, and on the way Pure Pressure took over me. I ended up getting or receiving a lot of problems. I earned a lot of girlfriends, but not serious ones. The shortest relationship I had with a girl in my life was about almost a day, which I’m not proud of. Along with all the girlfriends, I had lot’s of problems making up jokes that actually offended people. Sometimes nowadays, but very rarely, I make up an offending joke to someone, but I know how to use them in a specific way. Back in my young ages, actually I’m still at young age but I’m referring to a younger age, I blurted out offensive jokes so much as if I was breathing them, which resulted into a lot of problems.

Stage two was over, and so was the Harry Potter series . . .

I was so angry and sad at the same; not immediately, but overtime.. I slowly grew into a depression of reading books, because I was thinking, as I saw the ending of the Harry Potter series, what am I going to read and dwell on now? I tried reading other books. I already finished the Percy Jackson series in less than two months. I tried reading other books, but I never found the same exact joy with the other books just as I did with the Harry Potter books. I started to endorse on the Hunger Games. The first book was interesting, and the movie itself was well done, but as I moved onto the second book, I realized and told myself that I was still not receiving the same excitement as the Harry Potter books. I haven’t finished the second Hunger Games book, I plan to though, one day. I just can’t explain it .. Harry Potter was THE book I read, it was my childhood. I even still watch all of the movies every time they appear on ABC family. I mean, if I actually got to meet J.K. Rowling, she would be receiving a proper respect for her amazingly done series and how well done it was made; the details, the environment she displayed, the plot, the whole story was just so captivating! So my depression slowly goes on, and I’m slowly going through the process of getting back to reading books, but I’ll hold up for now.

One of my biggest problems in my life going on right now is my love life. There’s this girl I like, scratch that, there’s this girl I love named Sarah. I know that you’re probably going crazy over the fact that she probably doesn’t want me to mention her name, but trust me, I think some of you know her, and I’m aware of her privacy, I would just like to share something about my life that she has contributed to. Before, back in the day, Sarah was ALSO a friend of mine in the blogging community. I got to know her through one of my best friends named Sasammygirl (this name is how I know her), one of the best friends I ever had! At first, Sarah and me were really good friends in the blogging community. We talked a lot, and coincidentally had a lot of things in common! Eventually, as time went by, I started to actually see how she looked and talk to her personally through Facebook. We talked a lot! Since we were both mainly homeschooled. Over time, I started to like her, and called her sexy a few times 😛 She started to like me to, but I was still going for this other pretty girl cause I thought it wasn’t going to be possible between me and her, since she liked this other guy with an amazing six pack. The attempt with the other pretty girl failed, and I had one shoulder to lean on: Sarah. Our relationship between each other began to grow closer and closer, until we had love for one and another. After more and more time went on, we craved each other! We couldn’t be separated. Others looked at us as the perfect couple in the future, and she said she wanted to be with me. I actually got to face-time (video chat) with her a lot afterwards and we almost knew each other like we were born as friends. We were like best-friends in love. We had so many things in common, though there were some major differences between us, but they weren’t that important for us NOT to be together.

Until something bad happened. Her Dad found in her e-mail account that she had a blog, and within that blog, she was talking smack about her parents. I already knew this wasn’t good as she explained to me when the ordeal happened. Since almost her whole family knew me, as well as her Dad, they knew I was one of her close blogging friends. But since her Dad saw that she was talking smack about the family, he was so fed up, that he said that Sarah could NOT spend time with me. Now this situation put both of us in tears, which meant we could not contact for over a year, and God knows what happens after a year. As we departed, my life grew even more depressing. I began to hate myself and question myself for awhile.

After a long time, maybe a few 3 or 4 months, Sarah and I got back into contact. I was sort of nervous about the situation. I checked of course to see is she was doing well and how she was. Then I went to the real question, did she still have the same feelings for me? I still had feelings for her, even though it was difficult. The truth was cold.. her depression after the departing dropped her feelings for me. She did not love me the same as before. She still was my best friend and we still will contact, but she did not love me, and that was hard to deal with. I cried for a few days remembering the thought. She was a major part of my life for a long time. Right now, I’ve grown up from all of this I am telling you about, besides the love-life problem, and I’m going to express my feelings for Sarah once I get to contact her again. Cause honestly, I’m not going to give up until I get that love back from Sarah until everything is back to normal!

So now what? I guess I’ll continue to blog.. I don’t know.. I bought a PS3 to occupy my life after what has happened and so far video games, friends, family, and music have kept me going. I’m looking positive at life always now, I’m never going to be depressed, and now to those people that are depressed, my saying to you now is: “You’ve read my story, some I’ve left out, but you got the main points, I ask you to look at this and try looking at your life and ask yourself if you want to continue to be depressed and hate your life. I say find a group to live with, be positive and live life to the fullest! Life is too short, live it to the fullest as Tom Syndicate (a hard-core gamer in Youtube) says.” I hope this helped you, leave a comment for me if it did! I worked hard and long for this post! It would be appreciative if you liked this or shared it, and left a comment for your thoughts.

Don’t forget to subscribe if you’re new and you seem to enjoy what I do!

I also have a Youtube channel with one of my best friends, we just started so just try to be positive 🙂 (youtube.com/TheXProject123)

Thank you guys for reading, PEACE!

-ACP

Advertisements

15 comments on “I Don’t Know What To Say . . .

  1. Mary says:

    IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! I hope sarah likes you back 😀 and btw in one of your posts it has my full name in it and when you search my name that pops up do you think you could take it out?? WUV YA
    ~Mary

    • Andrew says:

      I’ll try to take your name out, sure 😉
      Anyway, I don’t believe there will be stalker looking for your full name xD

      • Mary says:

        XD there have been haart (she isnt a stalker but she still did search my full name) my friend dylan my boyfriend and other people have searched my whole name and i have been stalked before so who knows 😛 XD
        ~Mary

  2. willowbatel says:

    Depression was something I struggled with for years. I contemplated suicide several times, and I did get so far as holding a compass (the kind you use to draw perfect circles, with the extremely sharp tips) to my wrist. I never went through with it, obviously, and I suppose I’m glad I didn’t. Our lives are and have been very different, but “it does get better” (that annoying slogan is the only thing standing out in my mind currently). You’re still in that stage where you’re really just starting to even begin thinking about whom you want to be as a person. As someone who judges himself more harshly than anyone else (and lets nothing go), I speak from experience when I say that you should forgive/accept/let go of whatever mistakes you feel you’ve made in the past. You’re learning, and that’s something that never really stops. No one knows what they’re really doing at your age, or at any age it would seem, so just know that people are struggling through growing up as much as you are.
    As for having a best friend over the Internet; Amber McLain and I met online years ago, and we’re still great friends. We text each other almost every day. People come and go in your life, and while it may feel like a ‘big issue’ now, you need to know that who you’re friends with today may not be who you’re friends with tomorrow. People change. You change. It can be scary, but you’ll make it through it. Each experience is something to learn from.
    As for a new series to read, I’d recommend the Eragon series. It’s got magic, elves, dragons, dwarves, an evil king, love, and a lot of growing up. The Eragon series, while by no means equal Harry Potter, is one of my favorite series. The last book came out some months ago, but the books are all wonderfully long and should take you a while to get through. I’m rereading them again for probably the fourth time. I plan moving onto the Lord of the Rings series after I’ve finished. If only to say I’ve read them. I’d also recommend The Pillars of The Earth. It’s a historical fiction book and is almost a thousand pages long, but its probably one of my all-time favorites. You may not like it now (I don’t think I would’ve at your age) but give it a try. Anyway, what I meant to be getting at was: explore. You’re still learning about yourself and what you like. Something new will come along for you to read. I know I had a hard time finding books to keep me interested at your age. And I still do actually. I’ve taken mostly to rereading things…
    Unfortunately for both of us, I have no experience in the ‘Love’ department. I’ve never even been in a relationship. The moral of this comment applies even to this subject though, haha. Wait, explore, learn, grow. You’ve got decades to figure out who you are and what you want. I’m only a few years older than you, and I still haven’t figured myself out yet. Quite the contrary, I seem to ask myself everyday if the direction I’m taking is what I really want. Reflection is the key to learning I think.

    • Andrew says:

      Wow… I’m surprised!
      One, by the fact that you left this large portion of a comment on my blog that gave me some useful and helpful tips. And two, by the fact that you actually stopped by! 🙂 I have decided to let go of Sarah, to not hold such a strong love for her when obviously, it’s not going to work out. She’ll still be my friend. But I’ve come to believe that: yes, it is truly hard to hold a relationship, a true one, as a matter a fact, with someone over the internet. It sucks hell that I’ve gone through so much at a developing age and young age as well. But I also call myself lucky for being able to experience things a lot earlier than most people around my age, which they will soon experience.
      My best friend, Michael, has already suggested to me the Eragon series. It seemed like a fun book at first, but I guess by the details you are describing and by the fact that it is a longer book seems to pull me into interest. I would like to ask randomly what are your thoughts on the Hunger Games though? Just a question.
      Well thanks for stopping by! Your comment is much appreciated. 🙂 Let me just ask, did you read this whole post? Cause if you did that is spectacular! 😀

      -ACP

      • willowbatel says:

        Yeah, I figured I’d stop by to see how you were doing, and then got sucked into your post. I related to it too much not to read the whole thing and give a bit of advice. Even if I am only a few years older than you, and really don’t know all that much more about life.
        Yeah, its best to let her go. There are other fish in the sea!
        The Eragon series is fantastic. ‘Nuff said.
        I read the first hunger games book, didn’t care for it, didn’t read the other ones. I understand that the book is supposed to be from Katniss’ point of view, but it was just sooo poorly written I really couldn’t get past it enough to like the book. That said, I couldn’t put it down. I won’t waste my time with the other two books in the series though.

      • Andrew says:

        That’s amazing if I’ve seemed to sympathetically interest you in this post. I was kind of writing this for people I’ve lately seen around life & blogs being depressed and doing nothing with their lives. It kills me to see that, when all most people want is just SOMETHING to occupy their lives.
        She wasn’t the best looking, Lol. I’m so going to hell for that. xD
        I’ve already requested the first Eragon book from the library, so far I’m excited!
        I felt as if the first Hunger Games book was well done, specially since there were so many details to which she was describing her survival and things around her. But then the second book’s idea just became such a boring old grownup movie pertaining to most about a riot and her staying with her fake-boyfriend or real boyfriend. I just couldn’t carry on with that.. I like fantasy and un-natural things. Natural things are boring to me.. 🙂

        -ACP

      • willowbatel says:

        Yeah, you just have to find whatever works for you.
        Hunger Games was just too poorly written. There wasn’t enough detail, and not enough happened in it. It was a quick read, but nothing to obsess over.

      • Andrew says:

        Yes.. I agree.

  3. Mary :) says:

    YAY IM HAPPY UR HAPPY! 😛 😀 😛 XD soo in your post moodiness takes over could you take out my full name you can leave my first name and yeah PWEEEEESE!?!?!?!?!?! I hope this sarah girl likes you back mez found an awesome guy to 😀

  4. Click Here says:

    Hi there, You’ve done an incredible job. I will definitely digg it and personally suggest to my friends. I am confident they’ll be benefited from this site.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s